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| I hate when I'm tired and sleepy, but when I go to bed my body says "just kidding." |
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| It's all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits. |
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| The sound of people eating irritates me so I moved to Africa. |
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| To all of you guys who "sag" your pants to show your butt and underwear... Did you know that the fashion trend originated in prison? It was a signal to the other MED that you are "available". So if you want to keep walking around looking like you're "available" for another dude to "tap that"... Well, keep thinking you're cool while I think you look like a fool! Pull up your pants!!! |
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| 69% percent of people who read this, thought of something dirty.
Like if you get it |
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| If someone is ugly, you call them a stalker...
If the person is good looking, you call them a secret admirer. |
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| When a girl is silent, that’s pretty dangerous. She’s either over-thinking, tired of waiting, about to blow, lonely, needs a hug, falling apart or crying inside.. and most probably all of those above. |
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| Dear parents, Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinnochio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without clothes on. A stranger kissed sleeping beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. You can't blame us. We were taught to rebel since a young age. |
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| A 15 year old girl holds her 1 year old son, people call her a sl*t. But no one knew she was raped at 13. Make fun of someone for being fat, but you don't know that person has a serious medical condition that causes her to be fat. Call the old guy ugly, but you don't know if he got a serious face injury after serving the country or saving a life. Stop stereotyping and think before you start talking trash of others. |
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| "When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn’t understand the assignment.
I told them they didn’t understand life."
— John Lennon |
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| Once you start to dislike someone, everything they do begins to annoy you. |
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| I hate it when people, wear my glasses and say, "Wow you really are blind!"
Well no sh*t, you don't see me taking a persons wheelchair and saying, "Wow you really can't walk!" |
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| Dear examiners,
I'm 17, single, and can make a really great sandwich.
Gimme an A, and i'm all yours :) |
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| Who else thinks oreos are the universal sign that whites and blacks should get along? |
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| This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! Now read without the word dog. |
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| Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds!! |
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| Sneaking in on a night out and going up the stairs as quiet as an elephant |
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| Grabbing your boobs at random times because, well, you can. |
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| Petition for Beyoncé and JayZ to change Blue Ivy's name to Beyjasus! |
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| Looking back at childhood photos and thinking well wasn't I a sexy f*ck |
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| They say REVENGE is a dish best served cold
They also say REVENGE is sweet
So basically REVENGE is ICECREAM |
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| I love how,
in scary movies,
the person yells out,
"Hello?"
As if the bad guy
is gonna be like,
"Yeah, I'm in the kitchen!
Wanna sandwich?" |
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| FACEBOOK STATUS:
Edward Cullen: is bored :[
- Jasper: Where's Bella?
- Edward: On her period.
- Bella: Don't just tell everyone that I'm on my period! :/
- Edward: Why? You are.
- Bella: Well I don't tell everyone you sparkle like a fucking fairy in the sun or that you won't fuck my brains out until we're married even though I'm so up for it. You're not a real vampire! You're just a fucking sparkly emo BITCH!
Bella has changed her relationship status to single.
- Jacob likes this. |
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| Time spent → in the shower;
25% -- Daydreaming.
25% -- Building up courage to turn off water and step into cold air.
20% -- Turing in a circle to maintain even hot water distribution.
10% -- Catching water in your mouth and spitting it out.
10% -- Contemplating the hardest decisions of life.
7% -- Washing hair.
3% -- Washing other body parts. |
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| psychological fact #77
the crusty stuff you get in the corner of your eyes when you wake up is remnant of your dreams.
the color tells about how your dreams were.
yellow means you dreamt about love.
brown means you dreamt about death.
green means you dreamt about wealth.
colorless means you dreamt about fame.
black means you dreamt about nothing. |
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| The vagina is the best engine in the world.
It can be started with one finger,
It's self-lubricating,
It accepts any size piston,
It even changes its own oil every four weeks.
It's a shame that the management system is so f**king temperamental... |
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| Eating soup with chopsticks cause you like a challenge |
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| Why I wear fluffy socks:
2%: Comfort
3%: Warmth
95%: To slide along the floor like a fu*king ninja! |
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| I'm not saying that I just had a massive sh*t,
but I think I just freed Nelson Mandela. |
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| I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box. |